A 9-step plan to help control anger

Everyone experiences anger. Getting mad at your friends, coworkers, neighbors, family members—and even strangers—is a normal part of everyday life.

The important thing is to try not to let anger consume you or become an ever-present part of your life. While it may feel like lashing out or hitting a pillow or punching bag helps you release tension, it actually doesn't. Instead, it teaches an unhealthy behavior pattern that can escalate feelings of tension.

That said, it’s also unhealthy to hold onto your anger until it eats away at you. Use this plan to better understand how to manage anger.

To help defuse anger next time you are feeling mad, try doing the opposite of what you feel like doing. Instead of lashing out at other people, try to feel empathy or compassion.

The next time you feel like swearing at someone who was rude to you, consider that maybe there's a reason for their behavior that doesn’t involve you. Maybe they just got a phone call with some terrible news. Remind yourself that few people are jerks on purpose all the time.

Keep a record of all the emotions you feel (and why) during the day. Be honest with yourself and don’t limit what you write down. This will help you identify the core beliefs that are associated with your anger.

Do you get angry when people show you a lack of respect? When they waste your time? When they insult you? Once you understand what sets you off, you'll be better able to work on dealing with it. In the meantime, you can try these five strategies to help manage your emotions.

It’s helpful to acknowledge your physiological response to anger—in other words, the way your body reacts when you get mad. You might feel tense, tight, or overheated. Remember this: In these moments, telling yourself to “stay calm” may not always be helpful, nor is being told by someone else to calm down. That’s because, as a human being, you're programmed to act out when you feel threatened and angry.

So if you feel the need to act out, do so in a way that doesn't cause more conflict. Try doing something physical, like doing push-ups or squats, going for a walk, running up and down a few flights of stairs, or practicing deep breathing to calm your emotions and mind

When your anger is talking, it can be tempting to use strong language or absolute words like "never" or "always." The thing is, statements such as "This machine never works!" or "You're always forgetting things!" are probably not accurate. They can also make you feel that your anger is justified because there's no way to solve the problem at hand. These sorts of statements can also alienate people who might otherwise want to work with you to find a solution.

Once you've cooled off, try expressing your frustrations or concerns in a direct, nonconfrontational way, using language that expresses how you feel about the issue at hand, such as “I get frustrated when you forget to call me back.”

Do you ever find yourself saying "I wish I coulda, woulda, shoulda"? If the answer is yes, you’re not alone.

The trick is to make sure you’re not setting your expectations too high. Also, don't blame yourself for things that are out of your control and don't blame others for things that are out of their control. Changing your expectations won’t happen overnight, but it’s worth working on. 

Next time you're seething with anger, try this on-the-spot cooldown exercise. (Just be sure in you’re in a safe place when you do it.)

Close your eyes, relax, and imagine yourself far away from what's making you mad. Breathe deeply, putting your hand on your belly button and feeling it move in and out. Count to four as your breathe in, hold your breath for four counts, then exhale to the count of four, count to four again, and then repeat the cycle a few more times. Then, see what kind of results you can get without yelling.

Sleep helps you function at your mental and physical best. In fact, good sleep improves your mood and even your immune system. When you don't get enough shut-eye, your body produces more stress hormones. Getting too little sleep can also cause you to gain weight and raise your blood pressure, which increases your risk of heart disease—not to mention your chances of blowing up at someone. 

It can feel tempting to reach for a drink when you are angry. The trouble is that alcohol offers only a temporary solution. It won't relieve anxiety or anger issues and it will likely  make them worse.

Alcohol has the effect of decreasing your inhibitions. This means that drinking when you are super tense can actually cause more of your stress and anger to come out, which can leave you in a worse mood and worsen the problem you are dealing with.

If you need something to help you “change the channel” on your anger, try removing yourself from the stressful situation: Leave the room or building, go for a walk, and come back when your temperature is a little lower.

Anger that becomes consistent can contribute to a range of health issues, affecting your blood pressure and hormone function and even causing inflammation in your body. If after trying the self-help tips here, your anger continues to be your first response to most situations and becomes a regular experience, reach out for help. A healthcare provider can help you get to the root cause of your anger response. They can help you understand why you feel anger and what you can do to let go of it.