Emotional Intelligence

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• QHow can I deal with someone who always hurts my feelings?

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  A Dr. Brenda K. Wade, PhD , Psychology, answered

  How do you deal with a toxic person if they are your spouse, mother, child, best friend, or someone you work with everyday? Set boundaries, set boundaries and reinforce your boundaries. Write them a note saying: when you say/do _X_ I feel hurt (or whatever you feel). If you do that again, then, I am going to have to end the conversation or the visit. This is not because I don't care about you, it’s because I’m learning to care about me. Its important to write it because if you just say it you’re likely to either provoke an argument or to get the in one ear and out the other response.
  
  If you just take bullying from anyone you make yourself a victim. Beware, you don’t want to repeat their pattern and become a bully too. You have the power to learn boundary setting so you can stand up for yourself. 
  

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• QWhat can we learn from people who made us feel happy or sad?

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  A Dr. Jacob Teitelbaum , Integrative Medicine, answered

  Take a moment to think back to those people you knew who were joyful, even if simply for short periods.  What was it about them and their teachings that left you feeling happy and excited?

   

  Now think back to those who taught you things that left you feeling bad, either about yourself, your life, or about others.  Amazingly, we can learn from both.  Those things that left us feeling good gave us leads to rediscover our joy and the innocent laughter and smiles we felt as a child.  Those things that felt bad can also be great teachers.  They help us learn who we are not or would choose not to be.  And we do have a choice.  God, The Universe, Nature (or whichever of the myriad names we use) has lovingly given us full freedom to express and be whoever and whatever we choose.  Do you choose to be a joyful uplifter or a morbid person who holds yourself and others down?  Either way is okay.  Many new spiritual teachings suggest that there are no hard and fast rules.  Looking at life from a broader perspective also suggests that there is no absolute “right and wrong”—simply different perspectives.  Total freedom is our true nature.

   

• QWhat is flow?

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  A Discovery Health answered

  Flow refers to a state of becoming completely absorbed in an activity, psychologists say. It is common among artists, athletes and religious devotees. These states feel rewarding because they provide a balance of ease and challenge. That's why you can get lost in a project you enjoy.

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• QWhat are the characteristics of flow?

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  A Dr. Ronald Siegel , Psychology, answered

  Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, distinguished professor of psychology at Claremont Graduate University in Claremont, Calif., found that flow experiences (experiences of being fully involved in an activity) have several common characteristics.
  
  You lose awareness of time. You aren't watching the clock, and hours can pass like minutes. As filmmaker George Lucas puts it, talent is "a combination of something you love a great deal and something you can lose yourself in—something that you can start at 9 o'clock, look up from your work and it's 10 o'clock at night."
  
  You aren't thinking about yourself. You aren't focused on your comfort, and you aren't wondering how you look or how your actions will be perceived by others. Your awareness of yourself is only in relation to the activity itself, such as your fingers on a piano keyboard, or the way you position a knife to cut vegetables, or the balance of your body parts as you ski or surf.
  
  You aren't interrupted by extraneous thoughts. You aren't thinking about such mundane matters as your shopping list or what to wear tomorrow.
  
  You have clear goals at each moment but aren't focused on the goal line. Although you may be working toward an ultimate goal, such as earning a graduate degree, making a wedding cake, or winning a chess tournament, that goal is not your primary motivation. Rather, you find the activity itself to be rewarding—mastering or explaining a line of thinking in your academic work, creating tiers of beautiful icing, or visualizing your way out of a sticky chess situation.
  
  You are active. Flow activities aren't passive, and you have some control over what you are doing.
  
  You work effortlessly. Flow activities require effort (usually more effort than involved in typical daily experience). Although you may be working harder than usual, at flow moments everything is "clicking" and feels almost effortless.
  
  You would like to repeat the experience. Flow is intrinsically rewarding, something you would like to replicate. In a study, presented at the Northeastern Recreation Research Symposium, researchers reported that 60% of people hiking the full length of the Appalachian Trail reported experiencing flow, usually on a daily basis, and more than 80% expressed a desire to hike the trail again.
• QHow do people use body language to express feelings?

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  A Raychelle C. Lohmann, MS, LPC , Psychology, answered

  These are some of the ways people use body language to express their negative feelings:
  

  • rolling their eyes
  • plugging their ears
  • crossing their arms
  • glaring
  • sighing
  • clenching their fists
  • biting their lips
  • gritting their teeth
  • tapping their feet impatiently
  • pointing a finger at someone

  Not all body language communicates negative feelings. Here are some examples of positive messages:
  

  • waving hello
  • smiling
  • hugging
  • blowing a kiss
  • patting someone on the back
  • clapping
  • giving someone a thumbs-up
  • nodding in agreement
• QHow can I experience flow in my everyday life?

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  A Dr. Ronald Siegel , Psychology, answered

  To experience flow, keep these strategies in mind as you go about your daily activities:
  

  • Aim to surprise yourself and discover new things about your abilities and the activity.
  • Choose an activity that can provide you with new feelings, experiences, and insights, and allow your feelings and awareness to flow without attempting to interfere.
  • Pay attention to your bodily sensations and posture.
  • Overcome the urge to stop at every mistake. You are likely to be at your best when you focus on what you want to accomplish or experience and don't allow mistakes to be distracting.
  • Accept that physical symptoms of nervousness are normal and will naturally ease off once you get going.
  • Try working or playing with others.
  • Maintain your sense of humor.

  When an activity itself—say, dusting or waiting in line at the bank—isn't likely to be flow-inducing, you can still create your own opportunity for flow. Stop and find ways to experience the moment. What do you hear? Are the birds singing? What do you feel? Your breath? Or the breeze on your skin? Or focus on how your weight shifts as you stand. When you chat with friends or family members, make the most of these conversations by asking questions that lead to thoughtful answers. Don't assume you already know their biography, opinions, and approach to life. Actively listen to what they are saying and try to learn something new.
  
  Lastly, don't delay. Procrastination is the enemy of flow. In college-based studies, the more students procrastinate, the less likely they are to experience flow when studying and learning. Students were most likely to procrastinate when they felt that their skills were out of sync with the challenges they perceived in the task at hand, and if they were very self-conscious about their abilities and how their efforts would be judged. If you find yourself procrastinating, take a look at the task ahead. Can you reframe it as a want-to rather than a have-to activity? Can you balance the skill/challenge ratio, perhaps by breaking it down into smaller chunks that you can plunge into without being overwhelmed?

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• QHow can I experience flow during leisure time?

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  A Dr. Ronald Siegel , Psychology, answered

  Little of people's leisure time is spent in flow—the experience of being fully involved in an activity, marked by a sense of concentration and control and a lack of self-consciousness or awareness of time or discomfort. In one study, driving was the most uniformly positive flow experience, while watching TV was far more likely to be non-flow time. Watching TV may be relaxing (and sometimes you may truly need some downtime), but it isn't particularly satisfying. If you suspect you spend too much time watching TV, look for leisure activities that involve using your skills (carpentry, sports, artwork, music) and see how you feel afterward. Try a mix of physical activities, social interactions, and hobbies that require skill or provide a richer sensory experience.
  
  To identify flow activities, spend several days alternating leisure activities that involve skill and those that don't. Try Scrabble or chess one day, TV or an easy word puzzle the next; discussion of politics or literature versus relaxed conversation; or reading a biography versus browsing People magazine. Keep notes on how you feel after the activity and the next day. If you find that the more challenging activities are more absorbing and leave you happier and more satisfied, keep that in mind the next time you have a choice of how to spend your leisure time. Go with the flow!
• QHow can I experience flow at work?

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  A Dr. Ronald Siegel , Psychology, answered

  To experience flow at work, try to identify and acknowledge the pleasure you derive from work. Look for moments of engagement and satisfaction on the job. Think and talk about your job in terms of challenge and engagement rather than drudgery and obligation. Encourage your children and loved ones to experience the joy that can occur in work or learning.
  
  Another way to become more engaged and happier at work is to increase the challenge and skill involved in tasks that ordinarily don't result in flow, such as paperwork, filing, or assembly-line work. When doing something you consider boring, can you raise the bar for your performance by setting small goals, adding some mental games, or otherwise enhancing a task that doesn't require your full attention? Inventing your own challenges can also give you a sense of control in a work environment that may otherwise provide little autonomy.
• QHow can I avoid spending time with hurtful people?

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  A Karen R Koenig , Psychology, answered

  This is tough but essential to self-care. Here’s a bulletin that may astound you: You are not obligated to be around anyone who is regularly not as nice to you as you are to him or her. That includes folks who invalidate, belittle, and ignore your feelings, are purposefully hurtful, don’t care how you feel, and are neglectful or abusive. I don’t care who these people are, you want to stay as far away from them as possible. Stop feeling sorry for them and realize that they push people away and it’s their own fault. Obviously, you can’t always avoid certain people - a boss, parent, relative, or neighbor. But you don’t have to court their company either. Limit contact with people who detract from your life, whether they like it or not.

• QHow can I make my relationships freer and less manipulative?

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  A Yogi Cameron Alborzian , Alternative & Complementary Medicine, answered

  It is very common for us to find ourselves in relationships that seem to thrive on (or at least feature) manipulation and other unappealing qualities. The Yogic path teaches us that the relationships we have that are a source of struggle and conflict are ultimately not an accident--that each person who challenges us in some way is here for a reason. Somehow, this person can help us to find our purpose.

  If you find that your relationships are with seemingly manipulative people, then consider what it is about your life that might have attracted such a dynamic. If a manipulative person is here in your life, why might that be so? Are they here to teach you how you must embody more straightforward qualities in your own life? Are they here to show you the value of the relationships you have that don't embody these qualities?  

  Regardless, when you begin the process of investigating the significance of these dynamics, you will start to crave experiences that serve you better on the whole. When you set an intention to live a life filled with people who have the potential to enrich your life, and feel that you may enrich theirs in turn, you will find the very freedom you seek.