How can I encounter my real self?

Try to catch yourself in a critical moment and pull away from it. Pick a strongly negative experience of the following kind (if possible, choose a repetitive one that has cropped up several times):

• Road rage
• Arguing with your spouse
• Resenting authority at work
• Losing control over your children
• Feeling cheated in a deal or transaction
• Feeling betrayed by a close friend

Put yourself back in the situation and feel what you felt then. You might want to close your eyes and visualize the car that cut you off in traffic or the plumber who handed you the outrageous bill. Do what it takes to make the situation vivid in your mind. When you feel that stab of anger, hurt, mistrust, suspicion, or betrayal, say to yourself, "That's how my ego feels. I can see why. I'm very used to it. I will go along as long as it lasts." Now let the feeling run. Get as worked up as your ego wants; envision fantasies of revenge or self-pity, or whatever your ego thinks is appropriate.

Imagine that you are swelling up with your feeling; it spreads out from you like the shock wave from a slow-motion explosion. Follow this wave as far as it wants to go, watching it grow fainter and fainter as it spreads to infinity, filling the whole universe if it wants to. Take deep breaths if you need to in order to get the wave of feeling to depart from you and travel outward. Don't time yourself. The feeling may be strong enough to take a while before it wants to expand.

Now, just as you see the wave disappearing into infinity, look at yourself and see if any of the following feelings are present:

• A giggle, the desire to laugh at it all
• A shrug, as if the whole thing is no big deal
• A sense of calmness or peace
• Looking at yourself as if at another person
• A deep sigh of relief or exhaustion
• A feeling of release or letting go
• A sudden realization that the other person may be right

These are the telltale feelings that arise in us when we are crossing the invisible boundary between ego and the real self. If you follow any emotion far enough, it will end in silence. But it's asking a lot to get that far every time. Your aim is to get to the frontier at least, the line where the ego's needs begin to lose their grip.