Parenting

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    A , Psychology, answered
    Not making your child have consequences for bad behavior might teach them that it is okay to lie, cheat, steal and manipulate when we make excuses for their bad behavior.

    What we should do  is have your child admit they did something wrong and make them face consequences for that. It teaches them to take responsibility for their actions. Take  the example of a child not doing a homework assignment. Don’t write the teacher a note for them missing the assignment; don’t make up an excuse for them. Your child should own up to it, and be honest with the teacher as to why the homework assignment was not completed and let the teacher decide the consequences for that action.

    Hopefully this will carry onto adulthood and you will know you have a person that knows there are always consequences to our actions in life and they will be truthful adults with integrity.

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    A , Psychology, answered
    It depends. Are you the responsible adult in charge in that moment? Is the child at your home, where your rules reign? Are you checking your own anger or bossiness?

    If it’s really about the child’s behavior then offering a new choice may be helpful. If the parent is present, do you ask them to redirect their child? “I notice Joey is… could you ask him to make a different choice?” or “Do you think we should help out?”

    Often a parent is just too tired or distracted to step up to the plate, help that parent with gentle reminders.

  • 2 Answers
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    A , Psychology, answered
    One important aspect of your work is ensuring the safety and health of your family in your car. Just as you have created rules for home, do the same for the car and remind your children of the ‘company’ policies before heading out. Use the sentence, "When we are in the car we…" to clearly communicate your expectations.

    Five things busy driving moms need to remember:

    1. Don’t tolerate fighting or yelling in the backseat: This not only gives you headache, but creates a huge distraction that causes your attention to be taken off the road. Tell your kids that whoever is able to play nicely and refrain from stirring the sibling pot will earn travel points to a fun local destination like the zoo or the children’s theatre. Praise your children when they are able to share or deal with conflict without any screaming or creating a scene in the car. To keep your crew happy, make sure they each have their favorite activities close at hand. 
    2. Use the “silence game” if the noise level gets too high: If the noise level becomes deafening fill their minds with thinking games then play the “silence game.” Whoever is silent the longest earns travel points to redeem at the local Super Pumper. Maintaining a calm family in the car is important for your overall safety.
    3. Reinforce your family values: Remind your kids of how you expect them to behave in the car and why. “In our car we..” When you pick up friends ask your children to educate them on what is appropriate and safe on the road behavior.
    4. Make your car a no phone zone: Texting and distractions lead to accidents and injuries. As hard as it is to put your phone in the trunk, do it. You might save a life.
    5. Feed the animals: Being cooped up in a car is boring. Cope with the blahs by bringing along healthy protein-filled snacks like rolled chicken tacos and string cheese. Full children are happy calm children.

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    A , Psychology, answered
    Here are some tips to help your child grow with an emphasis on healthy relationships not pathological control, anger and manipulation.

    1. Establish ground rules in your home and in your family relationships. Be clear about the kind of family you are and how you expect your children to treat those within and outside of your family. “We treat others with respect.” “We do not mock or make fun of others.” “We stand up for kids who are mistreated.”
    2. Emphasize caring, compassion and giving. Manipulative children can be self-centered, raise your children to care about the needs and feelings of others. You also want to model love for your child. Might your child be angry because she is not getting enough of you, your love and focused attention?
    3. Keep in mind that teaching your child respect for others is one of the best gifts you can give him.
    4. When your child pushes the boundaries – and you need to say no, mean it. Be prepared to put up with the tantrum that’s about to ensue – and stand your ground like a mature adult. This may take a few trials. Practice will help you get the hang of it.
    5. Be firm yet loving. Clear boundaries and consistent responses on your part not only inspire behavior better, they also create safety and security for kids and teens.
    6. Remember, if you give in you are fostering inappropriate behavior. A selfish, self-centered or cruel child is not who you are aiming to raise.
    7. Stop buying toys and taking trips to the mall for a while. Give your child love and the gift of your time. There is nothing your child wants more than you. Make dates with your child, play sports, paint, draw, sing, make music; hey, just hang out a little, without your cell phone on.
    8. Model the behavior you want your child to exhibit. Using bad words, calling your child names or having a fit yourself is the wrong direction.


    Avoid benign neglect. Sometimes, we let our children rule the roost because we feel guilty about saying no to them. Other times we parent our children with “benign neglect” by choosing our own needs, interests and work over our children’s needs. If you are choosing work or workouts over your child own up to your contribution to their behavior.

  • 1 Answer
    A
    A , Psychology, answered
    Here’s how to communicate with your child without yelling:

    1) Get close to your child, establish eye contact at his/her level and tell him/her exactly what he needs to do.

    “Joey, it is time to take a bath.”

    2) Speak slowly, kindly and clearly. Do not ask your child with a questioning tone. Be clear that this is a command.

    3) Tell your child what will happen while they are doing the activity.

    “Joey, while you bathe, Mommy will read you a book, which book would you like for your bath today?”
    For older children, “While you clean up, I’ll get your homework packet out for you.” “We can work on it together.”

    4) Tell your child what will happen when they are done. “After your bath, we’ll build a castle.” “After your bath, we’ll eat dinner.”
    There is really no need to yell at your children, if you are yelling, get back to basics with clear expectations, clear commands and specific instructions.

    If your child is resistant, get him to collaborate with you before you make the command. “Joey, after Sponge Bob it’s time for a bath, do you want to go ahead and take your bath first or will you be ready when Sponge Bob is over?” “Okay, we have a plan. Bath after Sponge Bob.” “I know you’ll do as agreed.”

    If you meet negativity draw the boundary. “If you do not do as you agreed, there will be no more TV tonight.” “That will be your choice.”

  • 3 Answers
    A
    A Pediatrics, answered on behalf of
    Bringing your child grocery shopping can be an enjoyable experience for both of you, and a further education in food and nutrition for your child. Here are some simple “store rules” you may want to follow:
    • If possible, bring your child shopping when she is neither tired nor hungry. Give her a healthy snack just before starting. That way, she’ll be more interested in the process and less interested in wanting you to buy everything she sees.
    • Stores are designed to entice your child to beg you for food; don’t be surprised if she does. Conflicts are less likely if she sees you shopping from a list, rather than appearing to make arbitrary choices. You may want to avoid the cereal aisle, at least, while you are shopping with her.
    • When she asks for something, you can add it to the list, telling her that at the end she could pick out one thing from among the things she’s added. Or she could pick one fruit, one vegetable, and one treat for the family.
    If there are things you won’t buy, try to tie it to a reason or policy so it doesn’t seem arbitrary.

    Never give in to tantrums in stores. It’s better to stop shopping and carry her out. If you do give in, tantrums are more likely on future shopping trips.
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    A , Psychology, answered
    In the examples and explanations that follow, I will use three consequences that I have found to be very effective.

    1. Loss of an object, activity or person immediately following the misbehavior -- an example of this is when a child hits another child with a toy sword. The consequence is that the sword is removed to the top of the fridge for the day. Another example is when a child intentionally interferes with the fun of another family member or friend, the child is immediately removed from playing with that person. This method is most commonly employed in school settings and is quite effective for relatively minor misbehaviors.

    2. The thinking chair -- removal of the child from the setting where willful noncompliance occurred to a chair placed in an open space in the home. The thinking chair can be in the kitchen, living room or hall. For younger children the chair can face forward, for older children the chair can face the wall. This restricts the child’s ability to see and participate in family activities. The thinking chair should be used for more serious misbehaviors.

    3. The quiet room -- this is a safe, enclosed setting where the door can stay open when the child remains in the room and the door can be closed and even locked if the child asserts his or her power and tries to leave the room. The quiet room should be used only very infrequently for serious misbehaviors or when a child has refused to comply with the thinking chair consequence.
  • 1 Answer
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    A , Psychology, answered
    Time for the colorful markers, crayons and paper, and inviting the children to a session of fun brainstorming and drawing. Initially, children may not feel they can identify their values as values, but it may surprise you that children as young as 24 months can tell you what matters to them and what matters to you. Begin by talking with your children.

    Share with them what you mean when you talk of values, and give them some examples of things you value. Ask them what kinds of thing they value. Do they value their friends? Their dog? How about some feelings or experiences that they value? Fairness? Playing at the park?

    Here are some other questions to help guide your conversation with your child, age 3 to 8 (for your youngest children, you may need to adjust the wording). Pictures are a great way to involve your little ones. You can cut out pictures from magazines that represent what matters most to them.

    1. What kind of person do you want to be?
    2. What kinds of things do you notice about other people?
    3. Does getting good grades matter to you?
    4. Does helping others matter to you?
    5. Do you like to be a leader or are you more comfortable following along?
    6. Does making a mark in the world matter to you?
    7. Are there charities or causes that matter to you?
    8. Does being a good athlete matter to you?
    9. How do our actions reflect our values?
    10. Are there times when the things we do don’t match our values? When? Why?

    Expand the conversation and show you both understand and care about your child’s perspective. Help guide your children with positive affirmations: “So, having a say is important to you” or “Doing what you enjoy is important to you.”  Now transform your children’s views into value statements: “I am learning from you that…”
  • 1 Answer
    A
    A , Psychology, answered
    When you teach your children what respect looks like in words and actions, you’re helping them master a vital life skill. It’s time now to create a few sentences that you will actually say to your children in order to reinforce what respect means in your home. Tell your children clearly what it means to live with respect. Here’s a sampler to get you started:

    “Respecting one another means we use kind words and calm behaviors.”

    “Respecting our friends means listening thoughtfully to their wishes.”

    “Respect means that when a schoolmate criticizes the clothing another child wears, you tell them that we all have different taste and that we should be kind to our friends by choosing not to speak if we have nothing kind to say.”
  • 1 Answer
    A
    A , Psychology, answered
    If you wish your children to be respectful, let them see you be respectful to others as you go about your days. Respect must be a fundamental aspect of your family culture - make it an expected behavior. I can tell you with certainty that children feel secure with directives, but (and this is important) your child must understand that these directives are part of who you all are as a family. If you are confident enough to assert that, you will live with respect in your home and beyond, your children will do as you expect, and they will be proud of it. Most importantly, they will learn how important it is to carry this value into the world.

    In order to create this outcome in your interactions with your children, you will need to model respect by your own actions and words:
     
    • If you tell your children it is respectful to use a gentle tone when talking to one another, do you also monitor your own tone?
    • If you tell your children to say “please” and “thank you” to the people with whom they interact, do they see you doing the same?

    Be clear what you mean when you ask them to show respect. Do you want them to show respect to their dad? You can’t just tell them, “Be respectful to your dad,” and expect them to understand what you want of them. Your children learn what that means by watching you interact with Dad. You can even demonstrate what respect for Dad would sound like - this is a great type of modeling. For example, let them hear the sentence, “Dad, can we play ball outside now?”…instead of “Daaad, I told you to get the ball!” Guide your children, educate your children and model for your children.