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How can I overcome insecurities to be a less jealous partner?

Emily Nagoski
Emily Nagoski on behalf of Good In Bed
Psychology
First of all, what not to do is to make rules about what your partner can and can’t do so that you can feel okay. It’s your jealousy, and you’re the one who has to take responsibility.

“But they’re in a relationship with me! They have to help me!” No. No. No. No. And no. They are likely to want to help you (and I would worry about a relationship where a partner is not interested in helping the other to feel more functional in the relationship), but no one is ever under any obligation to help you until they agree explicitly each time. Being an adult is being responsible for meeting your own needs.

So, you should ask for your partner’s help to create an environment where you can let go of your mistrust and/or insecurity:

“Partner, when you go out and spend time with your friends without me, I feel jealous and insecure. It would help me if we could find some sort of compromise. For instance, if you go out, you could maybe call me at 10:00 pm and check in?”

or

“Partner, when you talk about that co-worker, I get jealous and worried. How would it be if maybe I could meet this person and then the two of us could go out together for the evening?”

Such compromises and collaborations should function as scaffolding while you train yourself to stay over your own emotional center of gravity.

It won’t be easy. You are going to have to take a lot of deep breaths. You’re going to have to call friends to talk you down from calling or emailing or visiting inappropriately.

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Important: This content reflects information from various individuals and organizations and may offer alternative or opposing points of view. It should not be used for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. As always, you should consult with your healthcare provider about your specific health needs.