What happens if I can’t forgive somebody?
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Dr. Jacob Teitelbaum answered:I would begin by honestly asking yourself the question, “Is it that I cannot let go of my feelings or is it that I will not?” Sometimes we are so hurt or angry at somebody that we have trouble forgiving them. We think that by holding on to the painful feelings it somehow hurts them. The truth is that holding on to your agony does not hurt the other person; it only hurts you. One can make a very strong argument that forgiveness mostly helps us, not the other person!
I would begin by honestly asking yourself the question, “Is it that I cannot let go of my feelings or is it that I will not?” Sometimes we are so hurt or angry at somebody that we have trouble forgiving them. We think that by holding on... More -
Ariel & Shya Kane answered:When you can’t forgive somebody the person you are really punishing is yourself. You can think of it using the following analogy: In life, there are two houses in which you can live and in each you have to pay rent. The first is the Alive House. In this house you have the experience of being loved and loving, the experience of full self-expression, satisfaction, health and well-being. The second is the Right House. In this house you get to be right. (They are wrong – you are right!) But in each house there is rent to pay. In order to live in the Alive House and have love, full self-expression, satisfaction, health and well-being, you have to give up being Right. In order to live in the Right house you have to give up your aliveness and all the things that go with it.
Please don’t misunderstand us. You can forgive someone and that doesn’t mean you need to hang out with them and be friends. It simply means that you don’t waste your life rehashing what they did or didn’t do or complaining to yourself about the way they treated you.
We once saw on TV an episode of “The Justice Files” where a woman was talking to the interviewer about forgiving the man who was convicted of murdering her daughter. This woman realized that by holding a vendetta against him wouldn’t bring her daughter back but forgiveness, she said, freed her to have her own life back again. She sincerely wished him well in the rest of his life. We found her perspective very enlightening. She looked beautiful and at peace.When you can’t forgive somebody the person you are really punishing is yourself. You can think of it using the following analogy: In life, there are two houses in which you can live and in each you have to pay rent. The first is the Alive... More
