How can I help my child tell the difference between bullying and teasing?

Bullying is not the same as teasing (which is common and to be expected amongst kids and adults). Teasing can be friendly or unfriendly, but it is still amongst two peers on an equal playing field.

Bullying is about a higher level of threat and abuse. Bullying is always intentional, mean-spirited, rarely happens only once and there is always a power imbalance.

The bully generally targets a child who cannot hold his own. Because victims do not always tell adults of their pain, you may need to dig further.

First establish this is indeed bullying so you can respond in the appropriate way. Be calm and nonjudgmental. Your job is to play Columbo -- gather facts like a detective. You might ask:

• “Were you or the other kid kidding?”
• “Was it an accident or did he hurt you on purpose?”
• “Did you do or say anything first to upset him?”
• “Did she mean to be mean?”
• “Did he do it more than once?”
• “Did he know that he was hurting you?”
• “Did she care that you were sad or angry?”
• “Did you tell her to stop?”
• “Did he listen?”
• “Was anyone there to help you?”

If you child is unsure if this is really bullying, encourage her to talk with witnesses to get their take. Be careful.

Never ask a child, “What did you do to cause this?” A bullied child rarely does anything to warrant the abuse.