How do I ask for what I need in a relationship?

In relationships you can ask for what you need or get what you get. No one can read minds. If you don't ask for what you need then the likelihood of getting what you need or want is slim. If you ask there is a 50% chance you will get what you need or want. Asking can be scary and here are a few reasons: fear of rejection, feeling somehow less indepedent and not feeling worthy. These fears usually lead someone to believe that asking may lead to fighting and worse, the relationship ending. In summary, for many people it's either about not asking for what you need to preserve the relationship or asking for what you need worried that if you do the relationship my end. That sounds like a challeging decision. Lets look at it a different way, it can be harmful to not get your needs met and as harmful if the relationship ends. If your needs continue to go unmet at some point the relationship will probably end, anyway.

Think about what you want to ask. Is it realistic? Is it important to you? Can your partner fulfill the request? If yes then it's probably important to ask. If you are struggling with these questions or are unsure how to communicate your request role play with people you trust; family or friends. Learning to communicate what you need is also really important.

The more you ask for what you need the easier it becomes.

One of the things women find hard to do in relationships is make clear what we want. In fact, we fear that doing so might be a turnoff. But part of fearlessness is expressing what’s important to us and knowing that we are strong enough -- and willing -- to walk away if the other person can’t handle the mere expression of our needs. 

Of course, we should also be aware of how we ask for what we want. Are we asking or demanding? Is what we’re asking for what we really want or a stand-in for something else that we’re actually too afraid to bring up? And if we don’t always get what we want (which is inevitable), are we going to be bitter and resentful about it? 

One key to getting past the fear of being assertive in love is to recognize that conflict is not only normal in our intimate relationships but can actually strengthen them. When we hide from conflict, we’re avoiding a chance to deepen our relationships. 

You have to be clear about what you want.  Most people don’t practice self-care and have no idea what they want.  So if your spouse asked you what you want, you should be able to say what you want.  You might say, "I want you to take me out and listen to me better," etc.  He may act on those things, but it might turn out that what you really wanted was for him to buy you a specific type of flower or go out at a specific time, etc.  Be clear about what your needs are, and don’t expect your partner to guess.  The only way he can know what you want and like is if you be clear about it.  Articulate your needs in a way that does not make him have to guess and allows him to love you better.